Battle of the Sexes
Can't live with them and can't live without them. There must be a joke in that arrangement — somewhere!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!'
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
PORSCHE FOR SALE
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
Another Bad Day
The following appeared in a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them
tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the
remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day.
DO NOT EXPECT THE GUY TO MAKE A HASTY COMMITMENT
By 'hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. "I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a commitment."
Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. Women have a lot of trouble understanding this. Women ask themselves: How can a guy say he's "not ready" to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman whom he has \been seeing for years; a woman who once drove his dog to the veterinarian in her new car when it (the dog) started making unusual stomach noises and then barfing prolifically after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that she made from scratch for him (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium rest room for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say he's "not ready"? And how come this same guy was somehow capable, at age seven, of committing himself to a lifelong, passionate, win-or-lose relationship with the Kansas City Royals, who have never so much as sent him a card?
A lot of women have concluded that the problem is that guys, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. No, this is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of nonreadiness.
This is natural behavior. Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You. This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas in fact for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spraycan while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)
So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment. This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life. Women are puzzled by this, "I don't understand," they say, "We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?"
The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it.
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together." Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. "Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
25 Great Reasons to be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he relizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium...he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him "excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man replies, "No".
Now very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he says to the man, "This is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1965."
"Well, that's terribly sad," said the other man. "But still, couldn't you find a relative or a close friend to take the seat?"
"No," replied the man, "they're all at the funeral."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between the John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the his mom's thought, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional".
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since the your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you...For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
"Whats in the Bag"
One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here. Now, let's see what else we have." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
SHE SAID:Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
One day, a newly married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. He tries to open it and finds it is locked. Puzzled, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about it.She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets the matter.
Three years later, while cleaning out the attic, the man runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals seven days a week, and that she gives him all the intimacy he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.
"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "We've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?"
The wife protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great intimacy between them.
"I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this damn trunk!"
She takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside are three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.
"Hell!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"
"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."
The husband could not believe the shocking confession. He mulled it over in his mind for a few moments and finally said, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, so I guess I can live with three ears of corn in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "Whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "if it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here".
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Bored wife: "because I married the wrong man!"
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now...... I think you bring me bad luck!"
Married Life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A woman rushed home from work and explained to her husband, "pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack 'em all, you're leaving!"
Two woman friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one woman notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring".
Her friend replies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too far, and fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"