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Computers

Computers are everywhere these days, and the jokes are growing wildly. How often I read a computer joke and see a mirror of a computer experience of my own.

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Added 6-23-98

Do this example - its funny

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don't know about?

1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)


Added 6-22-98

You know you are addicted to the internet when...


Added 5-28-98

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have


Added 5-25-98

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem..

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...


Maxims for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals,
so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Only God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!...

WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a MS-DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus
will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available and

WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WinErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP
files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - Send $200 to Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error - You have been attempting to run this on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.


Remember When

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show that made a beep

A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was a male sheep

Meg was the name of your girlfriend and gig was a musician's engagement night now they all mean the same thing and that really is megabyte

An application was for employment and program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity and a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age and a CD was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while

Logon was adding wood to the fire and hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife and paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pencil and paper and the memories in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens, they'll wish they were dead!


Excerpted from a Wall Street Journal article

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4) diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer alongwith photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


This is supposedly a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know....." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"


The Top Six Reasons Computers Must Be Female

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.


Not all of these are exactly according to the rules of Haiku, but I thought you would enjoy them anyway.


If they wrote error messages in Haiku...

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
Segmentation fault

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open it, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


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