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Animals

Animals. Loves of our lives. Butts of our jokes.

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Added 6/24/98

THE BUG

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."


Added 6/22/98

The American Kennel Club is finally loosening up its stance regarding new breeds of dogs. Here is what the AKC now
recognizes:

Sincere apologies to the AKC for using their name in vain


Added 6/3/98

Rules for Cats who Have a House to Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:

a) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;

b) In the dark

c) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS:

a) Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.

b) Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

c) Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

d) Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

e) Floppy disks make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.


The Rabbit

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


A Pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a Bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree over yonder," sighed the Pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the Bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The Pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a while there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the Pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bull might get you to the top, but it may not keep you there!


An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster."And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap and I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, amnd blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."


A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a House of Ill Repute...Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. So, the pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls; same old faces. Hi, Ralph!"


This guy received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. The guy tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try to set a good example... nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the guy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. The guy was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the guy's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." The guy was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"


A burglar breaks in to a house at midnight. Once inside, he hears a voice in the dark that says: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

The burglar stops for a moment, then continues to move throughout the house. Once again he hears this voice: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

The burglar, nervous, turns on a light and sees that the voice is actually coming from a bird cage, and there's a little parrot in it.

He approaches the parrot and says: "Oh, you really scared me for a moment, what is your name, birdie?"

"My name is Peter" answers the parrot.

The burglar says, "Peter is a weird name for a parrot..."

The parrot says: "Thinks so? I think "Jesus" for a Doberman is even weirder!


Hunting Bears

A bear hunter spent all day in the woods looking for a bear; by day's end he was exhausted and headed back to his car. All of a sudden in a clearing ahead he saw a HUGE bear; he took aim and fired several times, certain that he had gotten his bear. When he reached the clearing, however, the bear was gone! The hunter looked all around, but there was no trace of his bear. Suddenly he felt a tap-tap on his shoulder; when he turned around he saw the bear, looming high over him with a fearful grin. "Mister", said the bear, "if you want to get out of these woods alive you're going to let me have my way with you". Hours later the hunter, scratched, torn, humiliated and dirty, stumbled to his car, vowing revenge against the bear. The following weekend the hunter was back with the largest rifle he could find, and to be sure he got his bear he brought along two hand grenades. Again he searched all day, and as daylight waned he decided to return to his car. Just then he saw the bear at the edge of a meadow. He took careful aim, fired five rounds, then threw his grenades. He ran towards the meadow, arriving just as the smoke and dust cleared, only to find that the bear was gone. Then from behind him he felt a tap-tap on his shoulder, and with dread he turned around. There stood the bear again, an evil grin on his face, saying "Mister, if you want to leave these woods alive you're going told let me have my way with you". Hours later the hunter again stumbled from the forest to his car, thinking angrily all the way how he could best kill the bear. The following weekend he returned again to the forest, this time with a machine gun and two mortars. All day he searched for the bear, and again saw no trace of the beast until he was ready to leave the forest. He saw the bear drinking from a stream. Silently he crept as close as possible, then took careful aim with his machine gun and fired, spraying the entire area with bullets. When his ammunition was gone he fired his mortar shells. Confident that no bear could live through that barrage he skipped gleefully down to the stream-----no bear. He flinched as he felt the now-familiar tap-tap on his shoulder, and turned to see his nemesis, the bear, grinning down at him. "Mister", said the bear, "you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


What Not to Name Your Dog

Everyone who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I called mine "Sex". Sex has been embarrasing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex: he said he would like one too.

When I said "but this is a dog." He said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said " "You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you dont understand," I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex."

My case comes up on Friday.


DOG PROVERBS

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies. -- Gene Hill

In dog years I'm dead -- Unknown

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. -- Dave Barry

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. -- Penny Ward Moser

The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage. -- Danish Proverb

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. -- Michael Friedman

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- Unknown

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. -- Joe Weinstein

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. -- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. -- Edward Abbey

Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. -- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.. -- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. -- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion -- Unknown

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain

I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. -- Abraham Lincoln

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. -- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. -- John Steinbeck


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